#BellLetsTalk 2019

I find it so hard to put into words what mental illness was/is for me. Before I went through it, I never would have fully understood it either, because the problem with trying to understand it when it's not you is that you are thinking about it with a clear mind. And mental illness is anything but a clear mind.

I remember telling my therapist early into postpartum that it felt like I was always wearing a giant heavy cloak made out of chainmail. I couldn't take it off, it followed me everywhere, and it weighed not just on my physical body, but on my heart, my mind, and my energy.

It robbed me of happiness and enjoyment. It constantly lied to me.

Hiding it became a full-time acting gig. If I was feeling down, I would cancel. If I went out, I smiled, wore clean clothes, did my hair, looked presentable. Mental illness doesn't only appear on the faces of the homeless, who wander the street shouting at themselves. It's much, much, closer to home than that.

It’s not always crying. Apathy was my demon. Some days I wished for true sadness, because at least then I’d be feeling an emotion and not be the apathetic robot I felt like.

Two months ago, almost 2 years after my daughter was born I took the terrifying step into my doctor's office and asked for medication. I was doing the "right" things - working out, nutrition, therapy - but it wasn't enough, and I couldn't convince myself anymore that I would eventually grow out of it.

When I shared my story I was met with so much support and many of you shared your own story. Some of you even took that step into the doctor's office the very next week, which I don't think you will ever know how much it meant to me to hear you took action off a post about my messy life.

But still, not more than a week after I opened up, I had someone close to me let me know about some "natural options" out there, so that "when I wanted to get off the medication" I could check out these natural options. I appreciate this person's heart was in the right place. But this is another piece of the stigma that needs to end. Would you tell a diabetic to find a more natural solution than insulin? WTF.

I am not doped up, I am not numb to the world. Quite the opposite - I finally feel awake for the first time in years. I am sad when sad things happen, happy when joyous things happen - the way it should be. Yes, I lose my cool when my daughter asks for something for the 100th time in 5 minutes, but I am also getting SO much more joy with her now.

Medication is not the easy way out. Mental illness does not make you lesser of a person.

You matter. Your story matters. You are worthy of love, and you are loved. Your purpose on this earth is so much greater than you believe it to be. There are people who want to help you, please reach out. And if you're not in it yourself, ask those around you how they're doing. How they're REALLY, doing. Even the ones who appear to have it all together. ESPECIALLY the ones who appear to have it all together.

Let's talk. For real.

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Three Week Follow Up to PPD Medication

[Original post date December 13, 2018]

It’s been 3 weeks since I made that visit to my doctor and asked for medication for my postpartum depression.

Today was my follow up to see how things are going and the single word and biggest feeling that I’m now carrying is OPTIMISM. I now truly believe things will get better - are getting better, and my excitement for my life will come back - is coming back.

Over the past 1.5 years I can recall so many times where I’d lay on the couch in the evening, bawling without being able to pinpoint why or explain it, crying to the point of a headache and having an emotional hangover the next morning.

In those times I felt no hope, no optimism that things would or could get better. “Is this how it will be forever?” I’d ask myself over and over again.

I feel a difference 3 weeks later, my husband sees a difference, and even my doctor saw a difference in me today.

The first two weeks were hard, when the side effects were exactly as my doctor said it could be as I adjust. My heart felt like it was going to explode I had so much anxiety. I had to reaallly slow down, sit (sooo hard for me!), be in silence, and know that the anxiety was just a side effect and remind myself there wasn’t actually anything to be anxious about. My husband reminded me on the days it was the worst, “you’re in the hardest part, stick with it and it will get better.”

Since my initial post, two women I’ve never met before messaged me to say they went and asked for help. A third woman, very near and dear to my heart, asked her doctor for medication after suffering with postpartum anxiety for almost a decade. I can’t help but tear up every time I write or say that out loud. I know there are so many more of you - know your strength and know that you are doing something so great for yourself by asking for help.

Here’s to hearing music and wanting to dance again, laughing more, better sleep, wanting to be social, and an increased sex drive.

Here’s to optimism, and knowing there are better days ahead.

I mean, there will still be days like yesterday where I wanted to give my child away after a verrrry short nap and intense tantrums for 2 hours straight, but still, brighter days ahead.☀️

How to Get Your First (or More) Full Push-Ups

Push-Ups! How to do more, modifications for them - as requested by you, here it is:) The first tip on how to get better at push-ups is....

...do more push-ups!

Sounds annoyingly simple, but to get better at ANYTHING, you need to do that thing. I hear you, you can manage 2-3 push-ups at once and that's it - how are you supposed to do a full workout?

Every time you see push-ups programmed, do what you CAN do in the full form, or most advanced form, and then modify so you can complete the full set. If you're only ever doing modified movements, you're mostly just going to get really good at that modified movement;)

But, there ARE some strength moves you can do to help assist your push-ups, because let's be real - they are a hard full body movement.

  1. Floor press: Great way to work on tricep strength without being in a plank position, if you are working on healing a diastasis. Go heavy on these!

  2. Incline push-up: Use a box, bench, or for further modification - the wall.

  3. Incline push-up with raised feet: Going from the box/bench to the ground seems like a long ways down - progressively get yourself closer and closer to a parallel position by using plates to elevate your feet.

  4. Banded push-up: I love this one because the band at hip level reminds clients to engage their bum to maintain their strong core position.

  5. Bench press: Allows for slightly more range of motion than the floor press, and an incline bench is a great option to keep upper body pushing strength while pregnant without requiring a plank position, or getting up and down from the floor (not easy).

  6. Glute bridges: Say whaaaat? If I don't about glutes enough, I'll say it again - glutes are a huge component of your core strength! There's tons of ways to strengthen your glutes, so pick your fav.

  7. Quadruped plank: A great way to return to planks - still super challenging! Inhale, then as you exhale lift knees max 1-2 inches off the floor.

  8. Front plank: Because, well, this is your body position in a push-up.

If newly postpartum have a Physiotherapist or Pelvic Health Physio check your diastasis and your ability to engage your core.

Head to my IG post here for all 8 videos💪🏽

What’s your current max push-ups, and what’s your goal? Comment below!

Box Jumps: Alternatives for Pregnancy & Postpartum

At some point during pregnancy box jumps should be put on hold to give your pelvic floor a break, and they should also be added in slowly and strategically postpartum. A question to ask when choosing your option is, “what is my intention with this workout?”

Is it skills?

Heart rate elevated?

Strength?

Simply moving to move, taking into consideration how little sleep you’ve had, nauseas you are, or what stage of healing you’re at?

  1. STEP UPS: They accomplish getting heart rate elevated, lower body strength, and you get to be a part of the box party with everyone else. They don’t usually go well with pelvic girdle pain (pubic symphysis or sacroiliac joint dysfunction), so in the case of either of those I’d pick a different option below, or head straight to #5.

  2. KETTLEBELL SWINGS: Box jumps are an explosive hip extension movement, so KB swings are a great non-impact alternative. KB swings are still dynamic in nature so even though they are non-impact, check in with your form and breathing strategy to protect your pelvic floor.

  3. BANDED PULL-THROUGH: A great alternative to learn the KB swings hip hinge motion, but you can remove the dynamic element by controlling the band.

  4. HIP THRUST: Hip thrusts are my go-to for late pregnancy or early postpartum to work on hip extension (hi, glutes!) without standing. Also a great option if you are managing prolapse.

  5. ANYTHING beneficial to you, where your body is at today. Just ‘cause the workout calls for box jumps doesn’t mean you need to mimic the movement at all. In your third trimester and your shoulders are rounding and aching? Use a box to do seated banded pull-aparts instead. Have a physio exercise you’ve been prescribed but never get time at home to do it? Sub it in here!

There are NO rules, as hard as it is to look different from the rest of the class, carve your own path. Your body will thank you long term.💪🏽💕 Check out my IG post here for all 5 videos.


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When to Stop Doing Barbell Work in Pregnancy

“When should I stop doing barbell work in pregnancy?” This is a question I hear often, and today’s discussion is going to specifically speak to the snatches and cleans.

The answer? As soon as your bump starts to protrude and get in the way of the barbell path.

Cleans & snatches rely on your central nervous system (CNS) for the patterning of the movement. The more you practice the bar path pattern, the more it gets ingrained into your body (and the less you have to consciously think about every single step).

Ever wonder why your coach makes you do rep after rep with a dowel or empty barbell when you are so obviously strong enough to load on weight? CNS patterning. If you can’t nail the patterning down with a dowel, you’re definitely not going to get it when weighted.

So, as soon as you start changing the bar path to accommodate your growing bump, you’re rewiring alllll that hard work and time you’ve put in to make those tiny tweaks to progress your form.

Avoid making it harder on yourself postpartum by having to re-learn the bar path. During pregnancy switch to a single arm dumbbell hang position for cleans and snatches when your belly lets you know it’s time to set the barbell aside for a while. And I promise - it’s temporary, you WILL get back under that bar again.

If dumbbell cleans and snatches aren’t doing it for you, some alternate movements could include:

  • Kettlebell swing: KBS are a dynamic hip-powered movement, so you’re still mimicking some of the skills that cleans and snatches us. Of course it will depend on where you are in your pregnancy, and if swinging a bell around your belly is feasible.

  • Front squats: While not dynamic in nature, front squats are a great alternative since you’re focusing on the foundational squat for a full clean or snatch.

  • Hip thrusts: While not dynamic in nature, they again are a hip-hinge motion, and strengthening glutes during pregnancy can be so helpful to avoid or treat pelvic pain.

  • Anything you want: For real. Your movement substitutions don’t HAVE to mimic what everyone else is doing. If they’re doing cleans, but you feel like your body could really use some chest opening and back strengthening, turn it into some sort of row instead. There are no hard rules when it comes to this.


Talking load in these movements during pregnancy is a whole other discussion for another day😉.

P.S. I’m hosting a core & pelvic floor workshop on February 16th, you can grab your spot here! It’s a week before the CF Open starts, so it’s a great chance to ask me anything you want about the Open during pregnancy or postpartum.

Exercise Progressions for Improving Balance Postpartum

Balance postpartum can feel a little shaky, ya? It makes sense when you remember your organs literally all shifted around for 9 months, your posture and gait may have changed, and you’re now trying to find your equilibrium again.

Not postpartum? Every single sport ever involves one-legged movements at some point.

Not into sports? How about training for life then, knowing at 70 years old when you reach for something off the top shelf and find yourself on one leg you’ll have the confidence to know you won’t fall and break your hip.

Here are 4 mini-sequences to progress some basic movements to incorporate both strength and balance. Click here to view videos for each.


1. Deadlift progression

1a) Basic deadlift: focus on driving hips back, and engaging glutes to come to standing.

1b) Kickstand deadlift: On the toes of your back leg, work is in the front leg hamstring & glute mucles. Hinge at hips, pushing bum behind you.

1c) Single leg deadlift: Weight in hand of leg that is lifting, keep hips square to the ground, back neutral. Challenging!! Try it barefoot for better planting of your foot.

2. Overhead press progression

2a) Kickstand OH press: Use toes of back leg as balance, press on same side as you’ve stepped back on.

2b) Bosu ball OH press: Place back foot on a bosu ball, or squishy mat or block.

2c) Single leg OH press

3. Birddog progression

3a) Birddog: On all 4’s, extend opposite arm and leg slowly, maintaining stable back and core position throughout. I show you what not to do first in the video.

3b) 3-point row: On a bench or box, use a weight heavy enough it challenges your core to keep from rotating.

3c) Birddog row: Hold Birddog position through rows, avoiding twisting and rotating.

4. Squat progression

4a) Squat: Knees and hips lower together.

4b) Split squat: Take one step back from your squat stance, keeping feet wide like you're on railroad tracks. Keep feet planted in place as you lower down and up.

4c) Reverse lunge: Step back, again keeping feet hip width distance apart, and bring feet back together between reps. If you have rings or a TRX to hold for stability they are a great segway to unassisted reverse lunges.

5. Squat progression (weighted)

Hold a KB or DB in the goblet position for added challenge to your core (and whole body).

Additional movements that would be great to incorporate here include more core work like an Offset Racked Carry, Banded/Cable/Med Ball Woodchop, and also some lateral lower body work like side lunges, progressing to side step ups. There are so many options besides standing on one leg while you brush your teeth to work on balance - though that will totally help, too!

When Are You Having More Kids?

The number of times I’ve eaten my words since becoming pregnant, and a mother? Too many to count.

Most of the time I’m simply embarrassed by the silly things single me said or believed about motherhood, but I realize that you only know what you know, so I give that single girl some grace and move on.

But having more kids? Never did I ever anticipate the level of absolute agony over this decision. 

With a healthy 22 month old, we are making the decision to stop at one or go for a second. And I have never ever been so torn over a decision in my entire life. The thought of being done simultaneously gives me HUGE relief, but incredible sadness. The thought of having another gives me crippling anxiety and unbearable fear.

It’s literally all I think about every single minute of the day and it’s driving me to insanity, and tears at very inopportune moments like while watching moms with 2 or more at the park, wondering why they all went for it and I just can’t do it. I constantly want to ask them, “but HOW are you doing it??” Follow that up with a little girl at the zoo seeing three turtles and exclaiming to her mom, “look! It’s a whole FAMILY of turtles!!” I wanted to bawl because -  yes! A family can come in any number of people – why am I agonizing over this so much? Why am I trying to do things based on what I see others do?

 

Physical pain in pregnancy led to mental drain and depression in pregnancy, followed by PPD, PPA, and my therapist even labeled it the other day, which shocked me, as “some post tramautic stress” around my whole experience. Needless to say, I’m petrified, PETRIFIED to go through pregnancy and postpartum again. I really don’t know if I can do it. *Could I, yes. With optimal outcomes for me and my family? Not so sure. My husband’s biggest concern was my mental health, and if I could handle it again.


I then follow it up with, but do I even WANT a second child? Are my plans based on ridiculous societal ideals and family and friend pressure? Grow up, house with a white picket fence, 2 kids, a dog, and we all live happily ever after. 

Tossing a coin in the air doesn’t seem like the most responsible thing to do, but it seems like the best option right now to make this turmoil end. It’s so all encompassing.

 

My  husband and I both said we were 95% sure we were one and done, but the turmoil continued. I was crying myself to sleep nightly, one night because I was sad we were done, the next night out of fear of what was to come if we had a second.

 

It was this constant turmoil that led my husband and I to see a couple’s therapist. We’re weren’t fighting with each other on the decision, we were jointly completely confused and lost, and felt it was time to bring in a neutral third party to bring a fresh perspective and set of questions to the scenario.

It was honestly the BEST thing we’ve ever done as a couple, and I can’t say enough great things about our experience with Erin from Kindred Counselling.

 

One of the things Erin, our therapist, asked us was, "what you do envision for the Hendersons? What does the future look like?" One night when my husband and I were talking about it for the 1,382nd time and we stated, “we’re done”, I burst into tears. My husband responded with, "Christmas dinner?" and I just nodded, “yes”, because I have always pictured Christmas dinner with more than one kid at it. When I asked my husband about the picture in his mind of the future he said, "I picture two kids in full length jammies looking out the window for Santa." Wellllll, fuuuuucckkk. Hah!

 

The timing is so hard in so many ways. We have regular date nights, I’m feeling like myself in the gym again, and while a toddler is far from easy, it’s SO much easier than the first year postpartum – sleep is solid, I’m not tied to feedings, she has childcare twice a week, the list goes on… To think about going back to that place is petrifying.

 

When Erin asked what we could do differently the second time I rattled off a list of things that we could do to help each of my fears. But when she asked if that made me feel better or gave me hope, my answer was, “I’m just so SCARED to go back there.” I hear moms say all the time, “oh you just forget and have more!” That does not hold true for me.

 

Where did this land us? We realized our decision to stop was 100% rooted in fear. Another exercise our therapist had us do was write out a Pros vs Cons list, then weight it. The Cons side was a mile long, the pros side a few items. Once weighted though, it was very clear which side won. Not only that, the pros list carried through our LIFETIME. The cons list, was very “short” lived – 2.5 years if everything went exactly as it did the first time for us. Less if things go better.

To come full circle, it was this realization that led me to asking for medication for my postpartum depression. I booked an appointment with my doctor and when I told my husband I was going to see her he asked what the appointment was for. “To start the conversation now for medication in case we have another kid.” His response, “what about even if we don’t have another kid? You’re sad more days than happy.” Ouch. Truth hurts sometimes, but without his concern and honesty that day to push me, I wouldn’t be sitting here feeling the best I’ve felt in 2 years right now.

So…The next time you go to ask someone, “when are you having more kids?” remember there are layers upon layers upon layers that that person may be dealing with.

For Calgary couples reading this, you can find Erin’s contact information on my resource page, as well as other local therapists for mom only or dad only sessions: rawfitnessyyc.com/resources.

10 Moves To Support Your Postpartum Posture

No matter how you feed your baby (#fedisbest), newborn life requires a LOT of sitting. Even at the 6 month mark there is still a ton of sitting, holding, and carrying - all things that can make your low back cry out in pain and your shoulders get closer and closer to your belly button.

Here are 10 moves to help open up your chest, release your low back, strengthen some of the postural muscles, plus a tip on how to adjust how you're sitting - particularly when on the floor. This is of course just a tiny sample of what can be done for posture, but these are my favs for postpartum.

For video links click here.

1. Reverse fly: Hinge at the hips, weight in your heels, feet shoulder width, dumbbells hang straight down from shoulders, arm remain straight as you squeeze shoulder blades together, lifting arms no higher than shoulders

2. Chest stretch - roller: Support your full spine (head included) on the roller, feet planted flat on the floor, arms stretched out to the side. Make slow snow angel movements with your arms up and down.

3. Side plank w/ rotation: From toes or knees, strong plank position from head to toe, reach top arm up and open through chest, rotate down to thread hand under armpit of supporting arm.

4. Quadruped thoracic stretch: On all fours, hands under shoulders, knees under hips, replace left hand with right (thank you @restorativesportstherapy for this extra adjustment!), and place left hand on the back of head. Rotate through your thoracic spine - I am tight in this area so yours may look much different than mine! Your spine is what you're aiming to rotate through, don't compensate by trying to reef your shoulder back without core rotation.

5. Dumbbell press w/ rotation: Much more challenging version of the quadruped thoracic stretch (thank you @coachjennswager for this one!). Start in a side lying position, knees at 90 degrees, stacked on top of each other. Dumbbell (or KB for more challenging stability work) in top hand. Rotation comes from your trunk, as you press the weight overhead and return it down you are actively pressing your knees into the ground to keep them from lifting (very challenging to do!).

6. Seated position adjustments: Take your low back out of tucked/rounded position with the use of a roller, bolster, yoga block, firm pillow, rolled up blanket - anything!

7. Face pull: Bands at shoulder height, keeps elbows high and in line with shoulders/chin as you squeeze shoulder blades together and down. Control the band back to starting position.

8. Roll chest: Not recommended for pregnancy or while breastfeeding (ouch!). Using a lacrosse ball, GENTLY massage your chest by rolling against the wall. Looks funny, but feels good.

9. Elevated plank or bear plank: For elevated plank maintain a strong position from head to toe (I demo what hips dropped or too high will look like). For bear plank, from all fours take a big breath in, on exhale lift knees 1-2 inches off the ground. Return to knees before starting next repetition, using one breath cycle per rep.

10. Banded pull-aparts: (I forgot to make a video for this one, oops!). Hold a super band (long circular band) straight out in front of your shoulders, palms facing the floor. Keep arms straight, pull band apart by engaging and squeezing shoulder blades together. Pull shoulder blades down and away from ears. Control the band back to starting position.

Bonus #11. See glute & hip flexor stretches in the Dec.12th post - these can be particularly useful for releasing low back pain.

Send this to a mama friend who could use some muscle pain relief!

P.S. I'm going to be launching an at-home online postpartum program in the New Year, and it will not only include strength workouts but also lots of mobility stuff just like this!

How to Know When You Need to Change Your Strategy Postpartum

How do you know when you need to change your strategy postpartum?

While there's a lot to be gained by working with a Pelvic Health Physiotherapist, as well as a certified Pre/Postnatal trainer, there ARE some things you can watch for yourself.

That whole, "listen to your body" thing - well, it's kinda (incredibly) confusing when you don't know WHAT you're supposed to be listening for.

1. Pain: Pay attention not only WHILE you're doing the movements, but pay attention to pain the rest of that day and even into the next day. Sore muscles because you worked them is one thing, pain is different - you'll know the difference.

2. Peeing: This one refers to loss of control of either bladder or bowels, at any point in the day - not just while doing the movement. So while you may not leak DURING squats, are you losing control of your bladder (or bowels) more than normal the rest of the day, or into the next few days?

3. Prolapse: If you haven't been diagnosed with prolapse and are wondering what this is, it may feel like a heavy sensation in your vagina like something is out of place or causing downward pressure. Or, it may feel like you need to have a bowel movement even when you don't. This is one I was acutely aware of when my daughter was still in the front carrier - I didn't feel anything WHILE walking with her, but later that day or the next day I would have an obvious heavy feeling, letting me know it was either time to switch her to the back, or shorten our walks.

4. Pressure: Are you creating excess pressure in your abdomen while doing movements? This one can be assessed either visually to check for coning, which looks like a little mountain ridge protruding down the center of your abdomen - usually most obvious at the belly button. Have someone watch, or video yourself. The second way to assess this one is with your fingers, checking your diastasis and how it's responding (another video for another day!) during the movement.

Lastly - not everything is going to give you feedback when pregnant and postpartum, which is why I think it’s SO important to work with a Pelvic Health Physio and a *certified* Prenatal/Postpartum coach.

So, where do we go from here?!

Join the newsletter to be sure not to miss future posts on HOW to change your strategy, PLUS I'm creating posts for individual movements starting with box jumps. Is there a movement you're wondering how to modify? POST IT BELOW and I'll do a video series based on your request!

Exercises to Help Ease Pelvic Pain in Pregnancy & Postpartum

Let’s talk pelvic pain during pregnancy & postpartum. You’ve probably heard a variety of names for it: pelvic girdle pain, pubic symphysis dysfunction, sacroiliac joint dysfunction - or simply SI joint pain.

What are they? Why are you getting it? And what can be done?

Check this mini video series here to find out, and send this to a pregnant mama friend who could benefit from this info!

Not all pelvic pain needs to be blamed on relaxin, the hormone during pregnancy that causes joints to be more mobile, and this is good news! Why? Because if there’s more to it than just relaxin, it means there are things within your control to help limit, or hopefully eliminate the pain.

Here are 9 movements combining both releasing tight muscles as well as strengthening supporting muscles in the hopes it can help ease some of your pelvic pain.

Your best bet is always to visit your doctor, chiropractor, or physiotherapist, as they’ll be able to pinpoint exactly what’s causing your specific symptoms and give you individualized treatment.

But in the meantime, here’s why I’ve chosen this sample of movements today:

- Stretching: releasing tight muscles that attach to your pelvis (there’s a lot of them!) may help reduce symptoms by easing the pulling that tight muscles can cause on the pelvis.

- Strengthening: by strengthening surrounding muscles and learning to engage those muscles, you will be helping to support your pelvis, again hopefully with a reduction in pelvic pain symptoms!

1. Roll your glutes with a lacrosse ball: can be done laying down but is much easier against a wall if you’re pregnant 

2. Half kneeling adductor stretch: gently rock back and forth

3. Banded laying hamstring stretch

4. Half kneeling hip flexor stretch

5. Couch stretch (hip flexor and quad stretch)

6. Roll hip flexors with ball: I prefer these sand balls to a lacrosse ball as they are a bit more forgiving!

7. Banded lateral walk

8. Banded goblet squat

9. Shoulders elevated hip thrust: when pregnant this is much easier if done on a large exercise ball - start by sitting on it then walk your feet out to come to the hip thrust position, and reverse to come back to seated to get off.

Click here to see videos of all 9 movements above.

This is just a sample, let me know if you try them and need some extra ideas.

Tag a mama friend who could benefit from these moves below, and let me know how they feel for you!


Home Gym Equipment Wish List

One of the most frequently asked questions I get it: “what equipment should I get for my home gym?”

With gift-giving season coming up, I thought I would put together this list for you so you can subtly (or not so subtly) email the link to your spouse, grandma, or neighbour, post it on the fridge, leave it taped to the mirror - whatever you have to do to drop the hints this is what you’d like Santa to leave you under the tree.

This list is the BASICS - I’ve kept it short and sweet to make it as accessible to people as possible. I also kept it short because you REALLY can get great workouts at home with minimal time and equipment.

I’ve included some links to where you can purchase items - I’m not in any way affiliated to these companies, they’re just where I tend to shop for these items. Note, prices may change after this post was written, so may not be exact. Kijiji is also a great place to find used equipment, especially for simple things like dumbbells or kettlebells.

Dear Santa,

I find I’m generally better able to handle life when I engage in regular physical activity, so my list this year is to help me accomplish that from the comfort of my living room, garage, or basement. Thanks in advance for providing me sanity, and a few sweaty minutes to myself. My wish list is below.

Sincerely,

Me

  1. Dumbbells

    • Quantity: 1 lighter set for upper body + 1 heavier set for lower body

    • Weight: This is TOTALLY dependent on you. If you are relatively new to lifting, 8-12lbs may be enough for upperbody, and 15-20lbs for lower body. If you're deciding between a set, my recommendation would be to pick the heavier option - ie. go with the 10lb set instead of the 8lb set for upper body - because initially you can decrease reps, and then add in reps as you get stronger. If you go for the lower weight that you can comfortably do now, you'll be needing a new set in short time - not a bad thing, but if cost is a consideration, go for the slightly more challenging weight now.

    • Style: I prefer the hex dumbbells, simply because they don't roll across the floor when I set them down, and can also be used from a plank position safely.

    • Shop it:

  2. Mini-bands

    • Quantity: 1 medium band, 1-2 heavy bands

    • Resistance: I'd recommend getting one medium and one heavy resistance to start so you can swap between the two or combine them. Even if you’re relatively new to weight training, usually the lightest resistance will be too easy, so skip it and head straight to medium resistance.

    • Shop it:

  3. Super-bands

    • Quantity: 1 light, and 1 medium

    • Resistance: One light band is a great start (0.5"), but for some movements you want a heavier one as well (0.75") - again this will totally be dependent on you! 

    • Shop it:

  4. Lacrosse ball

  5. Bonus item: Box or Bench

    • Having a raised surface can be great for hip thrust variations, step-ups, etc.

    • Quantity: 1

    • Shop it:

      • For a basic flat bench for $135 at Fitness Depot shop here, or for $239 from Rogue shop here. You can start of basic or add one that inclines, and the price range is pretty huge for benches.

      • For a Rogue box shop here, cost is $160.

      • For some movements, an exercise ball will do the trick as a raised surface, and are much friendlier on the budget if you’re starting off. For $12.88 you can get a 55” ball at Fitness Depot here. Adjust the ball size based on your height.

 

P.S. If you’re a newly postpartum mom (less than 1 year postpartum), or have not yet returned to exercise consistently postpartum, I’m launching an at-home workout program for moms in January. It will be early-postpartum friendly and build each week, with short effective workouts you can do at home with baby watching you, with minimal equipment, so you can feel yourself a little more each day. To join the waitlist click here. Can’t wait for this!!

When Trying All The Things Still Isn't Enough [PPD]

[Content warning: Postpartum Depression]

This morning I went through with one of the most terrifying and simultaneously bravest things of my life. I felt like I was going to puke as I parked my car, felt like I hadn't eaten in weeks, and even though I was dreading the meeting, my mind was done fighting at this point, letting my legs walk me in rather than run the other way. At almost 23 months postpartum, I sat across from my doctor and asked her through tears if we could discuss medication for my postpartum depression. I rehearsed the simple question over and over on my way to the doctor's office, scared I would chicken out and skirt the issue, or make it out to be less than it really was and leave without a prescription.

The past 23 months have gone something like this…


"Women with a history of being on anti-depressants are more likely to have postpartum depression." - Not me, I'll be different. I didn't really need them those few months I took them over a decade ago.


"Women who have trouble conceiving can be more prone to PPD." - Not me, I'll be different.

It's just because I'm not sleeping well, it'll pass once she sleeps through the night.

It's just because I'm breastfeeding, it'll pass once my hormones level out.

It's just because I'm not working out, once I start working out again I'll feel better.

It’s because I haven’t gone to therapy in a while.

It’s because I didn’t take enough notes when I read, “Girl, Wash Your Face.”

It's because it's winter...

It's because ...

I had a plethora of excuses to miss events, dinners, surprise birthday parties, stagettes, business opportunities, you name it.

I slowly ran out of excuses.

And I got really f$@king tired.

Tired of cancelling.

Tired of having music fall dead on my ears.

Tired of missing out on my daughter's life because I was trying to navigate in my head how I could possibly keep up this charade of being the best mom I can be to her, while inside I feel like I'm being held under water with cinder bricks tied to all 4 limbs. 

Tired of "needing" a glass of wine to relax at the end of the day, without really tasting it anymore.

Tired of wondering, “is this it? Is this how it’s going to be the rest of my life?”

Tired of cancelling work project after work project.

Tired of being sad, but so much more so, tired of being weighed down by apathy.

And so SO tired of acting, of playing the dance. Because you can cancel a lot of things, but sometimes you have to show up for those big major life events. Put on your mask, it's show time!

I must have said "thank you" at least 20 times to my doctor today, she was the most wonderful person I could have asked for to speak those words to. She gave me so much hope that this is not the mind I have to live with for the rest of my life.

My doctor put it so simply but so perfectly, “Depression is a liar and a thief.”

Depression continuously tells us lies, keeping us in this dark place, and it robs us of the life in front of us. So many times I’ve felt robbed of the past 2 years with my daughter, while I’ve been there in physical body, my mind has clouded the experiences.

And the lies it tells. Want to know the single biggest factor that kept me from asking for medication earlier? I didn’t think I deserved help. Who was I to be depressed, when my life is so blessed. I’m a white middle-class Canadian woman, married to a wonderful man, with an amazing healthy daughter. What kind of a selfish ungrateful person am I, to have all this, and be depressed. The shame is unbearable. Couple that with the stigma of mental health, and add on the bias around medication? No thanks, I’ll just keep trying to therapy, sweat, and self-help book my way out of this. [Spoiler: It didn’t work for me.]

For you, if you are reading this feeling like I've opened up your head and am looking directly into your thoughts, please know that making the appointment will be the second hardest thing you'll have to do. The hardest thing you'll have to do, is keep that appointment, show up, and ask for help.